Ohwuhoh, the sweetest thing.

Fable had her MMR shots yesterday. It is always so gut-wrenching to put her through that. This last time was particularly brutal, since she recently learned to say "All done." It's a phrase normally reserved for wanting to be finished with a snack or dinner, but being the clever little thing she is, the child has started saying it in all manner of unpleasant situations. When she doesn't want a diaper change, for instance. Or when she wants to be rescued from her crib after a nap (and often, before it has even taken place.) It sure was heartbreaking to hear her cry, "All done" between full-blown sobs as the nurse gave her a shot in each thigh.

Today Fable spent the majority of the day sleeping off the trauma. The woman at her day-care reported that in the middle of playtime, she laid down on the floor and fell asleep. An hour later, she went down for an hour-long nap. Then, at home, she slept for another three hours.

And just now, I laid the unusually docile babe in her crib, stroked her eyebrows and hair until she fell asleep. Without overstating, I must say that easing her into sleep was the most humbling and satisfying thing I've done in my life in recent times.

This 'n that.

There are a squillion things to write about, mainly of a Fable-centric nature:

- Under the supervision and guidance of my dear friend and pastor, John, I'm learning to rebuild and tune pianos. (That's his primary business.) This is MORE than enjoyable for me. Pianos are intricate and deserve a lot of respect. Beautiful instruments.

- My job at the theatre is going well. It's insanely busy, though. And requires an exceptional amount of energy, both physically and creatively. Teaching the class requires a lot of acting in itself, as the kids expect you to be engaging and interesting all the time. I'm teaching six classes with three units of "Jungle Book" and three of "Peter Pan." I'm burning out a little on the energy front, and hoping that my schedule is less hectic next semester. However, the summer looks even busier, since I'll be teaching full-time, directing both "Aristocrats" and "The Wizard of Oz." Hoping I can keep my head in the game.

- Fable continues to be an utter delight. She has added, "Fsssh" (fish), "Beebeees" (babies), "Baawl" (ball), and last but not least, "Boobs" to her vocabulary. (Yes. Yes, I did teach my daughter the vernacular term for "breasts." It's a long story.)

- Fable has turned into quite the snuggler, proving once and for all that she is my daughter. (No maternity tests needed here, folks!) She hurls herself into your arms with the joyful abandonment innate only in children. The glee alight on her face would be enough to power whole cities.

- Relatedly: I find that what I love the most about motherhood, above all other things, is the privilege of being party to Fable's sincerity. When she is happy, she is fully immersed in happiness. When she is hurt or angry or sad, she embodies those feelings. It's such a profound thing to witness.

- My sweet and lovely sister-in-law is due to have her baby boy, Elliott, in just a few weeks. So excited for her and her husband. They were made to be parents.

- Fable had her first ever stay at day-care today. It was slightly poignant, but my nostalgic reveries of days spent putzing about our house playing with "beebees" was interrupted by my urgent need to get to class. I collected her two hours later, and any feelings of guilt I had about putting her in childcare were left by the wayside when I saw that chubby, smiling face covered in graham cracker, both hands waving ecstatically at me upon retrieval. The facility she attends is a good one. They write a full report of your child's daily activities, and document her demeanor throughout the day. She seems to love it, and I'm glad with the arrangement, too.

- I've been hitting the gym harder later, which is a relief I cannot describe. I feel, for some reason, that going to the gym is for people who are much more "Type A" than I am. But I have always loved going to the gym, always preferred working out indoors rather than out, and I feel 100% better about life after a trip to the gym.

- Our family had to put down our dear companion, Buster, after 14 years of loyal friendship. I'm tremendously averse to communal grieving, so I wasn't there when the mobile vet visited Buster. But it was hard, nonetheless. It's so strange how attached we can grow to animals, but it also makes perfect sense, I think. It sounds so silly to express sadness over losing a pet, but it was about as real a loss as any human loss I have ever experienced.

Those are the happenings in the Mauss family at the moment. It's quiet lately. So much better than all the commotion we're accustomed to. Good night!

Valentine's Day

My parents so generously offered to pay for D and I to go out to dinner tonight to celebrate a belated Valentine's Day. I don't know where we should go, since we're pretty accustomed to making do with Chipotle. (I'd call splitting a steak burrito a romantic meal...)

So, between writing that paragraph and this one, I looked into the Sunbird. Everyone says it's romantic and the food is good, and the view can't be beat, so I think we'll give it a whirl!

Here's the website. http://www.thesunbird.com/

Imagine me sitting where that blonde lady is. Also, imagine me stuffing my face with chocolate fondue. That's a more accurate picture.

Happy belated V-day, everyone!

1 1/2 hours...

That's how much downtime Play Dough will buy you if you have one very curious and destructive toddler. This is basically the transcript from our time playing this afternoon.

Fay: Mama, baaawl?

Momma rolls Play Dough into balls.

Fay: Mash?

Fable mashed Play Dough into flat discs in her chubby hands.

Fay: Mama, baaaawl?

:)

Its been a long time...

Anyone else feel like singing that Aliyah song when they hear that? Anybody? Anybody?

Okay, well. Moving on.

So, welcome to the grand reopening of my blog. If you're reading this blog, you probably know that I've gotten off the Facebook freeway. Not only that, but I'm scaling back on a lot of stuff these days. For one, I've gotten rid of my iPhone, which has been both terrifying and a relief. It's terrifying when my gas tank is on empty and I could really stand to use the Gas Buddy app. It's relieving the other 99% of the time. If you know me, facebook, incessant email checking, and the like have been a constant part of my life for goodness knows how long. It's a lifestyle, really. And I suppose you could say I'm drastically changing my lifestyle.

In a nut shell, I have come to some realizations about myself and my lifestyle lately that warrant immediate change.

On the medical front, I've been introduced to a very capable neuro-psychologist who intends to run a battery of tests on my ol' noggin in a few weeks. The goal is to figure out, among other things, why I have such an intensely difficult time sleeping at night. You might be asking yourself why that's something I'd see a neuro-dude for. Neuro-dudes deal with the way your brain works. Doctors and other expert-y types suspect that something in my brain is inhibiting me from shutting down-- in sum, they suspect a neurological control disorder. I've been diagnosed with many issues in that category, but having this battery of tests done will prove with definitiveness whether or not this is the case-- and/or reveal what else is going on. From there, I can get on the right meds and seek other methods of treatment.

What's going on inside my dome is having a serious impact on a lot of areas of my life-- particularly sleep. But it's also taking a tole on me in other ways. I'm excessively, ridiculously disorganized, exhausted, frazzled, anxious, hyper-vigilant, and the list goes on. I've alwaysalwaysalways been this way. Whatever is going on in my head has allowed me to have the energy of three people, while also causing me to become so overwhelmed at times that I deliberately avoid people and events. A marker of a neurological impulse control problem is an ability to excel at some mental exercises with a total inability to accomplish some of the most seemingly intuitive tasks. I could ramble on forever about the ways my life has been impacted by this issue, but in the interest of time and propriety, I won't.

But I will say this: I have got to make some changes right now. Starting with this: I have got to scale down my social engagements and obligations. So that's what I'm doing, at least for the time being. I'm imposing a strict schedule on myself, limiting myself to a certain amount of social obligations a week. But more than that, I'm forcing myself to stop investing in all the "potential" relationships I have, while simultaneously focusing more intentionally on the relationships that are edifying in this particular season I'm in. That's not to say that I want to be rigid and not allow new people into my life. It's just my way of staying in the moment, and deepening the relationships I have right now.

Here's the hard part for me. All the people in my life feel like they deserve 100% of my time and energy. (That's another component of having a neurological control issue, and also probably just a part of my psychology: I have a very hard time maintaining distance and boundaries in relationships.) I'm at the point where even investing in the few relationships I've chosen will mean, at the most, spending time with those friends once or twice a week. And I'm feeling really, horribly guilty about the friendships I'm going to have to put on pause, more or less.

But for the sake of my sanity and the health of my family, and for the general upkeep of my life, this is an absolutely necessary step.

So, no more Facebook. No more instant access to other people's life. No more allowing others to have total access to MY life.

Here's hoping that this new voyage brings more peace and quiet to my life, while I seek to get my head on straight. I'll be updating my blog periodically so I can keep my long-distance friends and those close to me in the loop. Also, I have to upload Fable pictures somewhere. :)

If you want to get in touch with me to make plans or the like, you know where to find me.

Thanks for reading, because if you're reading, that means I know I can count on your patience as I figure all this out.

Love, M.