Its been a long time...

Anyone else feel like singing that Aliyah song when they hear that? Anybody? Anybody?

Okay, well. Moving on.

So, welcome to the grand reopening of my blog. If you're reading this blog, you probably know that I've gotten off the Facebook freeway. Not only that, but I'm scaling back on a lot of stuff these days. For one, I've gotten rid of my iPhone, which has been both terrifying and a relief. It's terrifying when my gas tank is on empty and I could really stand to use the Gas Buddy app. It's relieving the other 99% of the time. If you know me, facebook, incessant email checking, and the like have been a constant part of my life for goodness knows how long. It's a lifestyle, really. And I suppose you could say I'm drastically changing my lifestyle.

In a nut shell, I have come to some realizations about myself and my lifestyle lately that warrant immediate change.

On the medical front, I've been introduced to a very capable neuro-psychologist who intends to run a battery of tests on my ol' noggin in a few weeks. The goal is to figure out, among other things, why I have such an intensely difficult time sleeping at night. You might be asking yourself why that's something I'd see a neuro-dude for. Neuro-dudes deal with the way your brain works. Doctors and other expert-y types suspect that something in my brain is inhibiting me from shutting down-- in sum, they suspect a neurological control disorder. I've been diagnosed with many issues in that category, but having this battery of tests done will prove with definitiveness whether or not this is the case-- and/or reveal what else is going on. From there, I can get on the right meds and seek other methods of treatment.

What's going on inside my dome is having a serious impact on a lot of areas of my life-- particularly sleep. But it's also taking a tole on me in other ways. I'm excessively, ridiculously disorganized, exhausted, frazzled, anxious, hyper-vigilant, and the list goes on. I've alwaysalwaysalways been this way. Whatever is going on in my head has allowed me to have the energy of three people, while also causing me to become so overwhelmed at times that I deliberately avoid people and events. A marker of a neurological impulse control problem is an ability to excel at some mental exercises with a total inability to accomplish some of the most seemingly intuitive tasks. I could ramble on forever about the ways my life has been impacted by this issue, but in the interest of time and propriety, I won't.

But I will say this: I have got to make some changes right now. Starting with this: I have got to scale down my social engagements and obligations. So that's what I'm doing, at least for the time being. I'm imposing a strict schedule on myself, limiting myself to a certain amount of social obligations a week. But more than that, I'm forcing myself to stop investing in all the "potential" relationships I have, while simultaneously focusing more intentionally on the relationships that are edifying in this particular season I'm in. That's not to say that I want to be rigid and not allow new people into my life. It's just my way of staying in the moment, and deepening the relationships I have right now.

Here's the hard part for me. All the people in my life feel like they deserve 100% of my time and energy. (That's another component of having a neurological control issue, and also probably just a part of my psychology: I have a very hard time maintaining distance and boundaries in relationships.) I'm at the point where even investing in the few relationships I've chosen will mean, at the most, spending time with those friends once or twice a week. And I'm feeling really, horribly guilty about the friendships I'm going to have to put on pause, more or less.

But for the sake of my sanity and the health of my family, and for the general upkeep of my life, this is an absolutely necessary step.

So, no more Facebook. No more instant access to other people's life. No more allowing others to have total access to MY life.

Here's hoping that this new voyage brings more peace and quiet to my life, while I seek to get my head on straight. I'll be updating my blog periodically so I can keep my long-distance friends and those close to me in the loop. Also, I have to upload Fable pictures somewhere. :)

If you want to get in touch with me to make plans or the like, you know where to find me.

Thanks for reading, because if you're reading, that means I know I can count on your patience as I figure all this out.

Love, M.