Say what you will, but at least I'm honest with my readers.**
In an effort to lure you in, I'll drop some interesting tidbits about my life here. I hope they are alluring and accomplish my luring goals.
1. I drink a gallon of sweet tea a day. And then I wonder why I'm so frazzled, batty, and urinate so frequently.
2. I have a really hard time understanding cause and effect in my own life. It will take me a month before I suspect a correlation between the smell in my room to the abundance of stinky laundry. Until the moment the old man in my brain finally reaches the belfry and rings the dusty bells of my noggin, I will believe all kinds of insane things to be the cause of something relatively mundane (i.e: there must be something dead in my closet, and now I can't open the closet because that would trigger fears #3 and 4).
3. I'm horribly, irrationally afraid of finding someone dead in a closet or bathroom. Just, you know, crumpled on the floor like a tissue of death. I think one time I saw an X-Files where a dude went into a public bathroom and opened the stall and found a dead body by the toilet. I mean, what a VULNERABLE position to be in when you find a dead body. Imagine the unassuming bathroom user who, with many a thing on her mind, shuffles awkwardly into the stall at the end of the row, painfully aware of the grime of the room in its entirety. She uses her foot to coax the stall door open and Success! She has narrowly avoided touching the swinging door with its shamefully peeling green paint! Almost certain restroom victory! And then... BAM! DEAD BODY!
What a freaking awful experience.
It's enough to make me never want to use the restroom ever again. Not even in my own home. And it has never happened to me, nor to anyone I know or know of. It's just that awful a possibility.
4. I don't remember what fear #4 was supposed to be, but I know it has something to do with closets. Oh, yeah! Finding bugs on the carpet in my closet. A little less dramatic, but hardly less paralyzing.
5. So, any old who, I suppose the lesson in all of this is: Read my blog, don't use public restrooms, and if you do, bring hand sanitizer because you never what's going to be in there.
Love,
M.
*P.S: See what I mean?
** I told you so.
I love that you're pregnant again. Fable is just adorable and I am excited to see what your next wee one looks like! Tell Doug I said congrats!
ReplyDeleteps. I think your blog IS interesting, but mostly because I LOVE your writing style. You could write about anything and I'd want to read it. :)
so i'm guessing its because of #3 that the first add choices were about clean mobile restrooms & potty training?!? i didn't click those, but chose other ones ;)
ReplyDeleteHa! Prooobably! I have fetishes about cleanliness, I think. Google picks up on that!
ReplyDeleteokay - now the adds are in chinese!
ReplyDeleteMy EMT instructor told me that women are far less likely to die on the toilet than men. Women, he says, wait until the opportune moment, whereas men tend to push it to the limit, so to speak. This invariably leads to over-exertion to the point of passing out or, in some cases, dying. He went on to say that he has been called to the scene of five Toilet Departures, all of which were men. Case closed.
ReplyDeleteTOTALLY true!^ I've heard that men are like, "Hey, I'm going to go sit down after this big meal and wait there for 15 hours for something to happen." Women, in the meantime, are all business and don't go until they absolutely have to go. I wonder if there is a way that women die more frequently than men. You know, like, they line up for forever in really long lines at the store and sometimes die in them? That would be an interesting-- and terrifying-- factoid!
ReplyDelete