A Mauss Family Update

"I can thank my God for every wave that has wrecked me upon the Rock, Jesus Christ."

-Darlene Deibler Rose

Dear friends and family,

We sit to write you with very full hearts. Normally we don't send correspondence en masse. Those of you who know us well would laugh; we hardly send correspondence at all! But given the recent turn of events, we feel compelled and inspired to get in touch. We've had an incredible series of weeks, and we knew we needed to write.

This is a long story, so maybe prepare yourself with a cup of coffee. Or two. (Or three, in my case!)

To begin, it must be noted that the last two years have been the most trying of our marriage-- perhaps our lives. But as we reflect on those difficult times, we see the hand of God repairing our brokenness, polishing our imperfections, and crafting us into something better than ever before. Our lives-- and particularly this season-- have been a testament to the truth that "suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope." This truth informs our current season. And by the end of this email, we think you'll share in our hope, too.

A few weeks ago, Doug went on a retreat through our church, Family of Christ. (Rather, he went on a trip with our church-that-meets-in-a-building, Family of Christ. We have a lot of churches, and we're all the church, and so on and so forth. :)

So, anyway. He went on this retreat. This retreat is notorious. Men talk about it all year round. As the date approaches, men huddle in corners to murmur excitedly about "all-terrain vehicles" and "shooting ranges" and "poker tournaments." Men travel across the country to attend this retreat, started by our humble church. And when the men return, they are completely and utterly shaken. Moved. Changed. I saw it not once, not twice, but in all the men who had gone on the previous year's retreat. So, as the retreat approached, more and more men started pressing Doug about going. He's not your stereotypical "man's man," so he was a little hesitant. Doug's idea of an edifying retreat equates to holing up in the basement with a massive pile of books, obscure old movies, and his Bible on the iPhone. But something compelled Doug to go, so on a Thursday evening we scrambled around the house trying to find anything that could remotely come in hand on a camping trip. Fable and I waved goodbye to Doug for the weekend as he piled into a car full of men and drove off into the sunset.

Meanwhile, back on the ranch, I had forged a plan with the other castoff wives to spend the weekend tag-teaming with the children. The plan looked a little something like this: Take several field-trips with the kids, wear them out, and cram them all into sleeping bags on the floor of one house for a sleep-over. Somehow margaritas got thrown in there for good measure, but I digress.

What ensued was the beginning of something wonderful. The weekend was long for the both of us, and full of lessons and opportunities for growth that were surely inspired by the Lord.

Doug could fill you in on all the details of the trip. From what I understand, it was exactly as macho as was rumored. But the report from all the men is this: It didn't end there. The trip was a strange and amazing hybrid of masculinity and vulnerability; hiking and repelling, while strengthening their spiritual muscles as well. My husband came home with a renewed faith, an inner peace, a commitment to integrity and family... These are all things he possessed before the trip, but were brought to maturation while he was away.

While he was gone, I had some time to connect with the Lord, too, but in a much different way. Over the weekend, a dear friend wrote me an email that started a difficult chain of events. I had no idea how to handle the sudden strain imposed on our friendship. Without Doug's guidance, it was hard to know how to react. Most people told me to walk away from the friendship. But something didn't feel right in my soul. I needed Doug to come home.

When Doug and I met back up on Sunday evening, we were each brimming with emotions and stories we just had to share. Doug told me about the retreat, and the warmth and strength emanating from him were palpable. I was so relieved to have him home. Finally, I told him about the difficult time I had with my friend. I felt a mixture of emotions when he said, "Instead of reacting out of woundedness, too, I think you have a chance to rise above it and give God the glory." Finally, the discernment and clarity I was looking for. That night I met up with my friend. Ultimately we were able to have grace for one another. We have spent a lot of time talking about Christ, and I see how God redeemed that difficult situation. I am SO glad we didn't just leave things where they were, but I never would have gotten there if it weren't for Doug.

There was no doubt about it. God had started a work in my husband and in me.

Doug and I barely had time to unpack (in any sense of the word), when we got some surprising news. The Monday following the retreat, Doug came home early from work. I was busy cleaning the kitchen and keeping an eye on Fable when Doug walked through the door. He put his arms around me. There was a softness in his voice, tinted by a quiver.

He told me that he lost his job. The words, "laid off" rang in my ears.

In that moment, I felt so honored to be his wife.

And we were relieved. God had finally released us from Cook. We were so grateful for Doug's job-- especially after we had Fable and I left my job to be a stay-at-home-mom. But we had felt for all too long that the time had come to make a change. Release!

In the days that followed, we were flooded with an outpouring of love. Emails, texts, and phone calls from loving friends and family wanting to know if we were okay. We were so grateful for their concern. Our response was, "God's hand is all over this, and we have REAL joy!" This peace truly does surpass all understanding.

How differently would we have handled this news if not for our weekend retreats? Six months ago, would this have sent us spiraling into despair? A year ago, would we have clung to each other like we do now? The more we think about it, the clearer it becomes that God has been paving the way for this for a very long time. With every passing day, the Lord was cultivating in us the right hearts to tackle this obstacle with strength and grace. We are more convinced than ever that God's sovereign plan will always prevail. Each and every day is crafted by the Lord for a greater purpose. We are so glad to be a part of that glory.

Over the course of that weekend, God taught Doug so much about what it truly looks like to be a man in this world. How to truly invest in one's family, instead of prioritizing work to an unhealthy degree. How to pursue the Lord on a daily basis. How to lead by example. How to trust God instead of man. And God taught me about being vulnerable, about God's wisdom looking different from man's, and about redemption for all circumstances-- even and especially this one!

At this moment, Doug is spending his final hours at David C. Cook. He is cleaning out his desk and saying goodbye to his friends. He has been determined to leave Cook with a blessing on his lips. He has done his job thoroughly in these last weeks, not slacking because the end was coming. He has conducted himself with so much dignity and humility. I'm continually amazed by this man's character.

So, where do we go from here? Who knows! The Lord does, of course. And we're grateful for the clean slate. We're extremely excited to see where God is leading us, because clearly He is! We are fully aware of the power of our God. It's the same power at work in us that raised Christ from the dead. We have so much trust in Him, and we pray for even more.

On a final note, we want to give glory to God for already tending to our needs. A few days ago we sat down to pay a mountain of medical bills. Near the end of the task we opened a letter that contained $50.00 more than the total sum of our bills. Isn't that amazing? How could be anything less than joyful?! God is on our side!

So, that's that! Please continue to pray for us to stay positive, to trust in the Lord, and to cling to one another. We love you, our dear friends, and we pray for you, too.

Much love,

Doug, Melanie, and Fable.

Mother's Day

Being a mom to Fable Elaine has offered me a moment of pause to consider the last two years. One day my daughter's chubby little fingers will reach for a marker to scrawl her first Mother's Day card. One day I'll open my mailbox to find her love waiting for me there. And one day in the distant future, I'll receive my first Grandmother's Day card.

My prayer is that each and every year, my love for this child will grow exponentially. On this day, I am honored to be Fable's mother. It's the highest compliment, the most humbling duty, and the greatest joy I've ever experienced. Fable is too young to sign her name on an effusive card or even understand what it means that I'm her mother. But I understand. And I hope I never crave her thanks. Instead, I hope that this time every year, I turn to my Savior, the God who gave me this sacred gift, and thank HIM.

Praise the Lord today.

Love.

I love,

love,

love

having a little girl. F is the most precocious and silly little thing on this side of heaven. She is whip smart, communicative, sweet, and feisty. If I could have it my way, I would have a zillion Fables.

<3

Current Events.

I think this article about sums it up. And here are some verses that I think pertain to the situation, as well.

http://cityroom.blogs.nytimes.com/2011/05/02/morning-buzz-celebration-and-vigilance-after-bin-ladens-death/?partner=rss&emc=rss

Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written: "It is mine to avenge; I will repay," says the Lord. - Romans 12:19

‎'Do I take any pleasure in the death of the wicked?' declares the Sovereign LORD. Rather, am I not pleased when they turn from their ways and live? - Ezekiel 18:23

Kids, I love 'em.

So, my friends, it seems that God has been at work yet again. Like a house elf, only more... real. And less creepy. :)

Over the last two years, God has been working on my heart towards children. Most of you know that prior to the birth of my darling daughter, Fable, I never even wanted children. The last thing on earth I saw myself doing was raising a child, let alone watching other people's children! But it seems that God is in the business of turning the tables, flipping the script, and all that. Over the last year, I found myself in situations where I learned about, related to, empathized with, and eventually taught young children. I've been nannying here and there, teaching theatre, and raising my own daughter. And what do you know! I love kids. (Most of the time.) Their enthusiasm and wonder inspires me to live more joyfully every day. (End sappiness...)

And so, with that, I am venturing into the world of (unofficial) childcare. My qualifications include:

- Employment as a young infant and toddler caregiver at Vanguard Church in Colorado Springs, CO.

- Nanny/regular babysitter to three children in the last year. (All of their parents would be happy to give a reference.)

-Infant and toddler CPR certification.

-Substitute teaching license, which basically means I'm an awesome teacher.

- Employment at the Academy of Children's Theatre as a theatre director for children ages 4-9.

Should you find yourself interested in my services, here's more info: This summer, I will be working alongside my dear friend and full-time teacher, Tiffany B., to facilitate excellent babysitting/childcare. She works for the Rocky Mountain Classical Academy and is abundantly gifted with children. There will always be two adults present, allowing for your child to have individualized care. In a given day, we will regularly take children to the nearby park (Cottonwood Creek), schedule educational outings, such as story time at the library or visits to the zoo, story time, music time, snacks, and naps. Each day will be structured, with regular times set for snacks and naps. Drop-in childcare is also available with advance notice.

So, please spread the word! We're more than flexible, and always willing to talk and negotiate something that will work for the individual needs of a family.

Lots of love from Mel and Tiff.

Whatcha Doin'?

Fable's new favorite phrase is, "Wha doin'?" while holding her hands out to her side like an overacting mime. So cute!

She has also added, "I do/I get" to her repertoire.

The cutest thing, though, is this: For a week or so she has been running around yelling, "Beee-bo!" I had no idea what that meant. I thought it might mean, "Playdough," but she was saying it all the time. Turns out, she's trying to say her name.

I love my little Bebo.

18 months of Fay.

Welcome to the shakedown of month 18 with Ms. Fable Elaine, the best thing since sliced bread (or, as is the case in our household, brown rice psuedo-bread). For those of you who don't speak parent, 18 months = 1 1/2 years, which means we are just that much closer to 2 years of toddlerage. It's a milestone, really. For your reading pleasure, here are the highlights of the last month:

1. "Goooo?!" Fable has adopted this A*frigging*DORABLE affect-- whenever she misplaces something, or when someone leaves the room, she holds her hands out to her side and says, "Daddy, go?" The lilt in her voice is simply darling; it should be canned and sold to depressed people. It's especially cute when she asks for her blanket ("baybit"). So super cute.

2. "C'mon!" My little adventurer runs around the house yelling this at everyone and everything in her path. She looks over her shoulder and gesticulates wildly, commanding everyone to "Mon, c'mon!" It's so irresistible that I can't help but put down the laundry and follow her wherever she leads.

3. On the not so wonderful side, my favorite girl has found her will sometime in the last few weeks. She shrieks "NO!" while pushing my hands off the shopping cart, throws her cereal off the table, and simply lays down in the middle of the grocery store when she will go no further. My approach is to give her a firm, "No!" in appropriate situations, or the ignore her in others. We also try time outs when all else fails. Just the other day she repeatedly hit another child and I said, "Fable, go to time out!" She turned and walked to time out on her own with tears streaming down her face. It was so cute and a little heartbreaking.

4. Fay is still a tiny little peanut. At about a year she hit 20 pounds, and she's just now hovering at 22. She eats up a storm, and just like her mommy, snacks all day long. Her doctor isn't worried about her being on the small side because she's growing according to her own growth chart and hasn't lost any weight. I'm glad she's still small enough to fit in my arms!

5. Lastly, and not so happily, it seems we are destined for a lifetime (or at least a toddlerhood) of chronic sickness. Since she was born, Fable has had more than 5 ear infections (most of them in both ears), one nasty bout of RSV, a double case of staph infection, been diagnosed with serious food and seasonal allergies, and has been fed a steady diet of antibiotics for sinus infections. At the moment, she has a horrendous sinus infection that has lingered for well over a month. To hear her cough is pitiful. She wakes up anywhere between every 5 and 15 minutes at night, and consequently, so do we. Doug and I sleep in shifts, neither of us getting more than 4 solid hours a night. Nothing seems to help-- not the humidifier, nebulizer, bulb syringe, Benadryl, or codeine that was last prescribed us. So we have an appointment with a specialist on Wednesday who thinks she can help us figure out a course of treatment and determine why Fable gets sick so often. I sure hope so, because this is getting costly-- both financially and emotionally.

But let's not end on a sad note. Life is good in the Mauss household. Ms. Fay brightens our day, most certainly. I don't know what I did without her. You know, aside from sleep. And fold laundry. Wouldn't trade it for the world...

:)

Wordsmithing.

Time for a Fay update, because it's not like I talk about her all the time/you have something better to think about. So, since you're SO captivated by the goings-on of an 18-month-old toddler, let me catch you up to speed on her latest and greatest accomplishments:

Fable can say the following words: Milk ("muck!"), juice/apple juice, please, thank you, bye-bye, night-night, nap, lap, sleep, go, Daddy, Mommy, Nona (Doug's mom), Nana (my mom), Ga-pah (Doug's dad), Opa (my dad), snack, no (and more no no no no no), yes, kiss, fish, doggy, cat, bird, tree, sky, grass, pretty, banana ("manananana"), apple, Aspen ("Aaaah-baaaah"), Jes, Maleah ("Meeaah"), walk, book, back, cow, all done, more, baby, and come on! (my ABSOLUTE favorite thing she says). I think there are others that I'm forgetting right now.

All that to say, we are preparing for an Ivy League future. Or a Walmart greeter future. Either way, we're mighty proud. Way to go, my manananana loving, muck drinking, beautiful cherub. You make me proud...

*Also: Cracker, cookie, and Elmo.

Adding to the list...

Has it really come to this? How could I, a relatively accomplished freelance writer, stoop so low? Is it truly possible that I'm going dedicate an entire post to a food? But not just any food.

THESE:

Sweet, creamy yogurt coating a crunchy, salty, pretzely confection o' bliss. I ate the better part of an entire container this afternoon. And because they're covered in yogurt and not chocolate, I have convinced myself there is nary a calorie in them! Also, they kind of look like this, which makes me imagine I'm eating something magical.

Magical AND delicious. Not to be confused with Lucky Charms, which are both magical and delicious, but fall oh-so-short of yogurt-covered raisins. Oh, God. This post has gone on too long. Go get some for yourselves...

I Can't Do Without...

No, it's not some sappy Lady A song, it's even better! Ladies and gentlemen, it is my pleasure to present you with Melanie's Top Five Things List!

1. Filling the first slot on the list of things I simply can't do without is this:

Now, I know I don't exactly fall into this show's target demographic. I'm not in the military. I'm not 45. But I am a SAHM who has somehow managed to *neglect my progeny long enough to* watch thirteen 45-minute long episodes of this show while downing copious amounts of 7-Up and popcorn. That's a little something I like to call "prioritizing." Seriously, though. I grew up in the military, like so many of my friends in this military town. While I appreciate many aspects of military life, I'm not prone to glamorizing or over-sentimentalizing things. So when I first saw the ads for this show I thought, "Great. Another sappy drama romanticizing the American way." But I've been more than pleasantly surprised by the story-telling, characterization, and plot twists that have thus far taken place. At times the show is a bit heavy-handed and treads cheesier waters, but it normally scratches the itch for a drama emphasizing the "we all share a common bond so have faith in humanity" theme. It's definitely worth the watch.

2. Saya Snow Pea Crisps.

You know that expression, "It's the best of both worlds?" Well, these salty, delectable baked snow peas are the best of all frickin' possible worlds. I'm not kidding. They taste like French fries but are, I presume, much better for you. I could eat the whole bag except Fable won't let me because she mows down on them like they're going out of style. I'm not ashamed to admit that I steal them off her plate at lunch time. I justify that by remembering that I gave her life; she can sacrifice a few of these snow peas...

3. Nivea "Soft" moisturizer.

Living in Colorado, a good moisturizer is as necessary as a life jacket in New Orleans. (Too soon? I thought so, too.) On a scale of 1-10, my skin is normally a "So ashy, it looks like I left my legs out in the snow." I have tried so many moisturizers it's not even funny, ranging from coconut oil to $35.00 Arbonne moisturizer. I got a travel-sized container of this Nivea Soft stuff and after one use, I was hooked. It smells so good... subtle, fresh, slightly powdery. I use it on my hands and face every day. Never going back.

4. Greek Gods Yogurt (with honey):

By the gods, this is the best thing to hit my taste buds since... well, I can't even remember. I mean, this is no ordinary yogurt, so just... forget everything you think you know about cultured dairy. Once you taste this stuff, you will nevereverever buy that artificially flavored Yoplait nonsense again. It's sweet and robust, more like ice cream than a breakfast food has any right to be. It's thick and creamy with texture akin to that of sour cream. Just add a little granola and viola... best breakfast ever!

5. Chi flat iron.

My dear sister-in-law, Susanne, has this expression. She always says that such-and-such a thing will CHANGE MY LIFE! Let me assure you, folks, that she was right about this one. The Chi straightener has made sense out of the identity crisis that is my hair. Before the Chi came into my life, my hair was constantly asking, "Am I wavy, am I straight, what is life really all about?!" The Chi answered all those questions and more. You are straight! You are messy! You are androgynous and sexy all at once! And it only took 4 minutes to make the transformation complete! If you're thinking of buying a straightener, don't bother wasting your money on anything else. Sure, the Chi is a little on the pricier side, but I swear that the difference between my hair after using a $25 flat iron compared to using the Chi is like comparing a McDonald's cheeseburger to a Kobe steak. You will never, ever be sorry you bought the Chi.

*And last, but oh, so, not least, is this: I absolutely, positively, could never do without my husband. (It's getting real, ya'll...) I'll admit-- with more than a tinge of pain -- that there have been times when I thought I could do without. They say that the first year of marriage is hard. What they don't say is that even though it's hard, it just might be easier than the years to come. Marriage is astounding to me because two people make blind oaths to be together no matter what, and sure enough, "no matter what" will eventually happen. The best you can do is hope to marry someone you'll want to go through the hard times with. And I did. I picked the best. And I'm grateful to be with him, through the highs and lows, the easy times and hard. No matter what.

And thus completes Melanie's Top Five Things List. I know you think your life is complete as is, but you're wrong about that. You have me to thank for clarifying the bleakness of your current situation, and for showing you the light. Enjoy your newfound enlightenment!

Ohwuhoh, the sweetest thing.

Fable had her MMR shots yesterday. It is always so gut-wrenching to put her through that. This last time was particularly brutal, since she recently learned to say "All done." It's a phrase normally reserved for wanting to be finished with a snack or dinner, but being the clever little thing she is, the child has started saying it in all manner of unpleasant situations. When she doesn't want a diaper change, for instance. Or when she wants to be rescued from her crib after a nap (and often, before it has even taken place.) It sure was heartbreaking to hear her cry, "All done" between full-blown sobs as the nurse gave her a shot in each thigh.

Today Fable spent the majority of the day sleeping off the trauma. The woman at her day-care reported that in the middle of playtime, she laid down on the floor and fell asleep. An hour later, she went down for an hour-long nap. Then, at home, she slept for another three hours.

And just now, I laid the unusually docile babe in her crib, stroked her eyebrows and hair until she fell asleep. Without overstating, I must say that easing her into sleep was the most humbling and satisfying thing I've done in my life in recent times.

This 'n that.

There are a squillion things to write about, mainly of a Fable-centric nature:

- Under the supervision and guidance of my dear friend and pastor, John, I'm learning to rebuild and tune pianos. (That's his primary business.) This is MORE than enjoyable for me. Pianos are intricate and deserve a lot of respect. Beautiful instruments.

- My job at the theatre is going well. It's insanely busy, though. And requires an exceptional amount of energy, both physically and creatively. Teaching the class requires a lot of acting in itself, as the kids expect you to be engaging and interesting all the time. I'm teaching six classes with three units of "Jungle Book" and three of "Peter Pan." I'm burning out a little on the energy front, and hoping that my schedule is less hectic next semester. However, the summer looks even busier, since I'll be teaching full-time, directing both "Aristocrats" and "The Wizard of Oz." Hoping I can keep my head in the game.

- Fable continues to be an utter delight. She has added, "Fsssh" (fish), "Beebeees" (babies), "Baawl" (ball), and last but not least, "Boobs" to her vocabulary. (Yes. Yes, I did teach my daughter the vernacular term for "breasts." It's a long story.)

- Fable has turned into quite the snuggler, proving once and for all that she is my daughter. (No maternity tests needed here, folks!) She hurls herself into your arms with the joyful abandonment innate only in children. The glee alight on her face would be enough to power whole cities.

- Relatedly: I find that what I love the most about motherhood, above all other things, is the privilege of being party to Fable's sincerity. When she is happy, she is fully immersed in happiness. When she is hurt or angry or sad, she embodies those feelings. It's such a profound thing to witness.

- My sweet and lovely sister-in-law is due to have her baby boy, Elliott, in just a few weeks. So excited for her and her husband. They were made to be parents.

- Fable had her first ever stay at day-care today. It was slightly poignant, but my nostalgic reveries of days spent putzing about our house playing with "beebees" was interrupted by my urgent need to get to class. I collected her two hours later, and any feelings of guilt I had about putting her in childcare were left by the wayside when I saw that chubby, smiling face covered in graham cracker, both hands waving ecstatically at me upon retrieval. The facility she attends is a good one. They write a full report of your child's daily activities, and document her demeanor throughout the day. She seems to love it, and I'm glad with the arrangement, too.

- I've been hitting the gym harder later, which is a relief I cannot describe. I feel, for some reason, that going to the gym is for people who are much more "Type A" than I am. But I have always loved going to the gym, always preferred working out indoors rather than out, and I feel 100% better about life after a trip to the gym.

- Our family had to put down our dear companion, Buster, after 14 years of loyal friendship. I'm tremendously averse to communal grieving, so I wasn't there when the mobile vet visited Buster. But it was hard, nonetheless. It's so strange how attached we can grow to animals, but it also makes perfect sense, I think. It sounds so silly to express sadness over losing a pet, but it was about as real a loss as any human loss I have ever experienced.

Those are the happenings in the Mauss family at the moment. It's quiet lately. So much better than all the commotion we're accustomed to. Good night!

Valentine's Day

My parents so generously offered to pay for D and I to go out to dinner tonight to celebrate a belated Valentine's Day. I don't know where we should go, since we're pretty accustomed to making do with Chipotle. (I'd call splitting a steak burrito a romantic meal...)

So, between writing that paragraph and this one, I looked into the Sunbird. Everyone says it's romantic and the food is good, and the view can't be beat, so I think we'll give it a whirl!

Here's the website. http://www.thesunbird.com/

Imagine me sitting where that blonde lady is. Also, imagine me stuffing my face with chocolate fondue. That's a more accurate picture.

Happy belated V-day, everyone!

1 1/2 hours...

That's how much downtime Play Dough will buy you if you have one very curious and destructive toddler. This is basically the transcript from our time playing this afternoon.

Fay: Mama, baaawl?

Momma rolls Play Dough into balls.

Fay: Mash?

Fable mashed Play Dough into flat discs in her chubby hands.

Fay: Mama, baaaawl?

:)

Its been a long time...

Anyone else feel like singing that Aliyah song when they hear that? Anybody? Anybody?

Okay, well. Moving on.

So, welcome to the grand reopening of my blog. If you're reading this blog, you probably know that I've gotten off the Facebook freeway. Not only that, but I'm scaling back on a lot of stuff these days. For one, I've gotten rid of my iPhone, which has been both terrifying and a relief. It's terrifying when my gas tank is on empty and I could really stand to use the Gas Buddy app. It's relieving the other 99% of the time. If you know me, facebook, incessant email checking, and the like have been a constant part of my life for goodness knows how long. It's a lifestyle, really. And I suppose you could say I'm drastically changing my lifestyle.

In a nut shell, I have come to some realizations about myself and my lifestyle lately that warrant immediate change.

On the medical front, I've been introduced to a very capable neuro-psychologist who intends to run a battery of tests on my ol' noggin in a few weeks. The goal is to figure out, among other things, why I have such an intensely difficult time sleeping at night. You might be asking yourself why that's something I'd see a neuro-dude for. Neuro-dudes deal with the way your brain works. Doctors and other expert-y types suspect that something in my brain is inhibiting me from shutting down-- in sum, they suspect a neurological control disorder. I've been diagnosed with many issues in that category, but having this battery of tests done will prove with definitiveness whether or not this is the case-- and/or reveal what else is going on. From there, I can get on the right meds and seek other methods of treatment.

What's going on inside my dome is having a serious impact on a lot of areas of my life-- particularly sleep. But it's also taking a tole on me in other ways. I'm excessively, ridiculously disorganized, exhausted, frazzled, anxious, hyper-vigilant, and the list goes on. I've alwaysalwaysalways been this way. Whatever is going on in my head has allowed me to have the energy of three people, while also causing me to become so overwhelmed at times that I deliberately avoid people and events. A marker of a neurological impulse control problem is an ability to excel at some mental exercises with a total inability to accomplish some of the most seemingly intuitive tasks. I could ramble on forever about the ways my life has been impacted by this issue, but in the interest of time and propriety, I won't.

But I will say this: I have got to make some changes right now. Starting with this: I have got to scale down my social engagements and obligations. So that's what I'm doing, at least for the time being. I'm imposing a strict schedule on myself, limiting myself to a certain amount of social obligations a week. But more than that, I'm forcing myself to stop investing in all the "potential" relationships I have, while simultaneously focusing more intentionally on the relationships that are edifying in this particular season I'm in. That's not to say that I want to be rigid and not allow new people into my life. It's just my way of staying in the moment, and deepening the relationships I have right now.

Here's the hard part for me. All the people in my life feel like they deserve 100% of my time and energy. (That's another component of having a neurological control issue, and also probably just a part of my psychology: I have a very hard time maintaining distance and boundaries in relationships.) I'm at the point where even investing in the few relationships I've chosen will mean, at the most, spending time with those friends once or twice a week. And I'm feeling really, horribly guilty about the friendships I'm going to have to put on pause, more or less.

But for the sake of my sanity and the health of my family, and for the general upkeep of my life, this is an absolutely necessary step.

So, no more Facebook. No more instant access to other people's life. No more allowing others to have total access to MY life.

Here's hoping that this new voyage brings more peace and quiet to my life, while I seek to get my head on straight. I'll be updating my blog periodically so I can keep my long-distance friends and those close to me in the loop. Also, I have to upload Fable pictures somewhere. :)

If you want to get in touch with me to make plans or the like, you know where to find me.

Thanks for reading, because if you're reading, that means I know I can count on your patience as I figure all this out.

Love, M.

Recent Developments

There are so many things to write down before I forget them. Here are the latest goings-on at our house:

F is a walker! And a champion, at that! Doug says she looks like a zombie with her arms outstretched, stiff little legs beneath her. I agree.

She is a snuggler! A girl after Momma's own heart! My lap is permanently occupied with a squirmy, sticky baby girl, usually carrying oversized books in her arms for me to read to her. Her favorite book is "Goodnight: A Bedtime Touch and Feel Story." She likes the page with the furry puppy dog on it.

She LOVES Daddy. A story to illustrate the cuteness of it: Our morning routine is fairly consistent. Doug gets up with F around 6:30, feeds her, and gets in the shower while I watch her play on the bathroom floor. F loves that because Daddy sings songs while he takes a shower. Shortly after that, F and I go downstairs and have breakfast while Daddy gets ready for the day. One morning our routine got thrown off and we came straight downstairs to play instead of playing in the bathroom. F kept pointing upstairs and yelling "Daaa-deeee!" It was really adorable.

Necklaces. F loves them. She lights up with glee when I put one of my long, dangly necklaces on her. I think she feels like a big girl.

No. F gets it. She may not understand that what I'm saying is, "No, don't hit Aspen in the face," but she understands that something she has done is displeasing. The world of toddler discipline, I can already tell, is going to be a hard and emotional place to navigate.

Lastly, F can show you where your nose/her nose is. : - ) (Even in that emoticon, she could probably point it out. :P)

Okay, that's all I've got for now. I'm sure there's plenty more. Tomorrow is her party. Must get moving.

Happy Saturday!

First Birthday.

It has been a year. Well, nearly a year.

What is there to say?

Too much. Too much about too much, and about too little.

It has been a year of heartache. It has been a year of strain. It has been a year of triumph. Of misery. Of conquering deeply rooted sin. Of watching His glory unfold.

Of taking baby steps, making huge strides, and learning to self soothe-- for all of us. It has been a year of floundering. Of mastering midnight feedings. Of learning the truth about myself and my spouse. Of loving each other in spite and because of it. Of smiling for the first time. Of starting anew.

This has been the best, most difficult, and most amazing year of my life.

My darling Fay, happiest of birthdays to you. You are my motivation to live with integrity. I love you fiercely and completely, my sweet thing.

The Action Bible, Written by Doug and Illustrated by Sergio Cariello

Hey, world. You know all those things that make me so awesome? Yeah, well, put those out of your head for a minute and focus on this. My HUSBAND wrote this. And guess what? The Action Bible is the #4 best-seller in Christian children's literature in the nation.

That's right.

My husband is awesome. That makes me awesome by association. You know what that means? You, too, are just a little bit more awesome...

:)

I used to fancy myself quite articulate, but lately-- over the last 11 months or so -- I've found myself at a loss for words. I now use emoticons to express the deep, intangible feelings that render me a sappy mute. I just figured you all might like to know why my blog title is the timeless smiley face, rather than some actual statement...

Anyway, I truly do feel baffled at how the things I'm experiencing internally can't seem to manifest meaningfully into words.

I try to write about the way F's early morning smile, drowsy and crooked and stolen from her father, ties me in knots.

I try to capture the way her ceaseless enthusiasm for the Belly Button episode of Veggie Tales fills me to near explosion.

I work so hard to put it in words, how I fall to pieces when she leans in so carefully and places a coveted kiss on her daddy's cheek.

And I can't. It wrecks me, and I just can't do it. I'm a failure in this way. There is a gap between what I feel and what I'm capable of saying.

There are angels who have spent centuries practicing the lost languages of love and sorrow, of hope and despair, of loss and gain; I am only confident that they can roughly translate that which I cannot find the words to say.

All I am certain of is this: Sweet F, you animate these archaic words. You make them fresh as any living thing. You are luminescent, and I was unaware of darkness.

Poesy...

*A repost in honor of Annabelle's upcoming 5-month birthday. You are a gentlewoman and a scholar, Annabelle. 

This is a poem I wrote for some dear friends who recently had a darling baby girl named Annabelle Aria. They are quite musical, which lent itself nicely to a poem. I hope you enjoy.

An April Morning

Beyond the woods where the Wood Nymphs play

Through the valleys where the Shadowlings lay

Over the hollow where the Hollyfolk stay

Bells can be heard a-tinkling away.

The Willow-waifs waltz in the melodious air

The Flutterbys flit with fanciful flair

And the Winklebees wave their wisteria hair

As they ready themselves for this festive affair.

The voyage begins with giddy delight

Dancing and singing by Candlebug light

Mayflower Maidens and Silverwing Sprites

All follow the music far into the night.

When sunlight spills over the Cloverwood Falls

And ushers them through the Heavenly Walls

The chorus resounding leaves each one enthralled

As they open the doors to the Great Music Hall.

Jubilant fanfare raises their wings!

Curlycues curtsey and Sugarbirds sing

Slipperfeet dance on violin strings

And all lend a voice when the final note rings.

The merry assembly issues a sigh

When a radiant presence captures their eyes

Standing before them in dazzling light,

The Composer, the Maestro, the Conductor of Life!

Their praises combine in a boisterous refrain,

“This music you’ve written, Father, give us its name!”

He pauses to answer, and His loving eyes swell

“This aria, children, is My Sweet Annabelle.”